On love, that's never certain.

Tonight I had a sudden urge to write again. I knew I had to write everything that was lI ingering in my mind. I could not help but thought about the same thing over and over again. However, I was sure that my hands were tired to even dance happily on a dotted paper. The time was also approaching midnight and I refused to doze off and pursue these thoughts in my dreams. I knew I had to do something about it. So here I am, after decades (as if) of silence, typing a new entry for my blog  my mental clarity. I kept on experiencing weird dreams lately but they weren't nightmares. The dreams were merely uncanny that I could vividly recall each one of them. Nothing in those dreams seemed logical but what I felt was real. As a muslim, I don't believe in any random meanings of dreams. The dreams that I had were far from any of the so-called telltales that could be relaying important signs. 

I guess the moment I had the urge to write again was due to my inner voice that's been screaming mutely. I always believe that I am not good at expressing myself. I have been writing every bit of bitter moments in my journal/diary/i-don't-know-what-to-call-those-piling-up-notebooks-in-my-drawers-that-got-me-into-dilemmas-to-get-rid-of-them-all. All those days of writing personal encounters, emotional breakdowns, confusions and descriptive paragraphs for the unthinkable words, I finally realise that I am better at written expression. I am neither having a smooth process to convey the semantics accurately (as to what I supposed to be correct in mind) nor that I am consistently write. I just feel comfortable writing down things that are difficult to be understood - like my mind. lol because I learn that humans aren't always listening and that writing the sadness away is rather therapeutic than catastrophic to me. Little did I know, that wasn't always true. I learned it the hard way and all praises to Allah, He showed me the correct ways of coping (might soon talk about this but not in this post).

By now, you must been thinking that my mind is such a complex rubik's cube. I can't even solve one. Some people are gifted enough that they can quickly tell what kind of a person one is - but, that's not always the case haha. You see, never judge a book by its cover. Never judge a hijabi by her hijab. A simple brand label doesn't necessarily fit the quality of the hijab. Haha what I meant was, I personally believe that there are very few of us that perhaps can tell what kind of mind one has. I have a complex one so far. The observants that I met eye-to-eye told me as that I own as such - not all of them, just a few. Initially, I kinda agree with them that led me feeling intimidated by their judgement. I couldn't tell whether it was a compliment, sarcasm or plain comment. I don't mind though. We can never get to know someone in a day, not even a month. Getting to know someone is a journey of empathy which is a rare occasion, nearly impossible. Most people start out with curiosity, followed by intimacy and only then, empathy comes along to accept the other person as he or she is. 

So, I really don't mind.

Alright, I honestly used up about 1 hour of my sleeping time until a second ago. It is now 1:56 am and my story is going nowhere. I knew what I wanted to share an hour ago, but look at me now (as if), this is saddening. 

Okay let's get back on track. Luckily, I have already decided on a title - which is quite straightforward. 

To be frank, I am thankful that I am who I am now. I am grateful for the experience that I got through. I am thankful that God (Allah swt) allowed me to long for someone without me knowing it beforehand. I am happy that He embraced me in His blessings by showing what true love is and delivering temporary people in life so that I could learn to appreciate my loved ones, acknowledge those who were sincere with me, differentiate between sincere hearts around and immature flings, recognise my worth and those who accepts me for me. Maybe there's a huge regret buried in this heart, a regret of being confused in relationships with friends and families. I could not understand myself either. I tried but still, I took a hella lot of time to figure it out. I have so much to say now but I really need to be in my bed or else, I'll become a zombie by dusk later. Haha!

"Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape" - Bell Hooks

Moving on is impossible without acceptance. Redha and sincerely believe in His plans that He is The Most Merciful, All-Knowing and that He wants the best for His servants is the key to live worry-free. He knows best and when for us to have it. Talking about jodoh (your meant-to-be-soulmate) isn't uncommon anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted when I was 20. I did not dream of having a wholesome career, a nice car seriously, living with my parents with comfortable financial income, being there and cherish them so that they aren't lonely till their last breath, having enough for me to give others, maintaining good bonding with siblings and being the breadwinner that can help out my beloved family. All of that and many others are now my main priorities which were then the purpose that I had been seeking for. Alhamdulillah. 

I wish I could continue on typing but my eye bags are getting heavy now. Let me just put two lines of hints (clues, key phrases etc.) to remind myself (lol) that I must get these things off my mind;

"You teach how others treat you"  

- Anonymous

"Never settle for the second best."- Dr. K

Signing off,
Sharifah :)

Anxiety and/or priority - part1

I have come to realise that speaking objectively is so far my worst skill if compared to my others. Looking back, 23 years of living and breathing in this body, I had a hard time when it was about explaining to people. I was, and am, bad at telling stories of my own historical background especially when it comes to a topic of  'being in a deep ocean of distress'. I could not really guess that back then  (when I was in the midst of stressful moments) but now the seemingly incomplete puzzle set has found its missing pieces. I can tell that I am no good at telling stories, explaining personal matters (whenever I have to) and honestly, I got easily panicked whenever I was forced to. These symptoms went unnoticed until a few months back, when Allah swt tested me with something huge - from then onward, I began to slowly learn about myself. I started to do things consciously and made notice of every inch of details in my every day commitments. I stayed away from any triggers that could be fallen me and led me into a thick black cave of confusions. I could not really tell what was going on, but I knew something was up. So, I had to learn to find my way back to 'light' every time I got fished into this sorrowful cave.

Time heals.

Yes, it does but some things never change. I cannot expect that by the time I am older, I get wiser. Sometimes I make mistakes, by accident, not that I am not being careful but I am far beyond perfect and when things get very overwhelming I can easily stumble down. However, despite this negative view on not being able to keep on getting better, I know by right, the least that I can do to clear my mind off it, and soothe myself, is to just double up the effort to keep on getting better and better and better. 

I have to admit that I do feel like a complete loser at times. Feeling that way is never in my favourite-things-to-do list. It is not what I look forward to. Some friends tell me that I'm a bit dramatic, and I act more like a drama queen - well, they awarded me for reasons didn't they.

requirements? easy:-

my mood changes instantly

i am happy and excited for a second, and in the next second everything seems all gloomy

-

-

-

-

those four minus symbols aren't just some meaningless symbols. they actually represent some characters but for now, i'd like to keep them secrets. maybe later, this world will finally find its way to unravel the truths lol. haha. yes, i can be quite daunting due to my instant mood changes but that just showed how I tried so hard to cope with my current environments. sometimes it was hard to swallow a thorn, but you had to anyway. so you cried as your guts telling you, you hated this thing and questioned you yourself why would you ever swallow this thing, and when you swallowed it down to your stomach, it hurt every inch of wall of pathway and that made you suffered twice and you just couldn't help but grieve and screamed out of the blue. and when the thorn was in your stomach, it still hurt but you didn't want it to steal away your happiness and you decided to smile and smile wishing that your fake smile would influence your inner body to uplift its positive energy as per say in one the motivational speakers' youtube videos. but when the energy wasn't transitioning to your preferred 'energy' you became panicked, and and and...anxiety came to rescue - it said hi and brought you to higher place, where almost no oxygen could store a space for you, for you to breathe, anxiety taught you and your heartbeats to dance on the thin air, which was supposed to be a provider for the calming atmosphere and yet there you were befriending anxiety, dancing and beating down the invisible pavement like a disco ball. you just danced, up and down, swayed, and twirled around, believing it would all get better until one moment, you could not catch your breathe, you could not catch even a single oxygen molecule - you're suffocated. 'breathe-less'.. and there you went again, anxiety came to rescue, brought you up to higher space, another level of profoundly beautiful with views and another place to start dancing again, to more escapes, to more happy escapes, to more exhausting escapes, to more sufferings and never-endings.

anxiety is just like running with no finish line. anxiety is an escape - a strange escape, never a solution. never.  

Heavy Mind-Lifting #1

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

First and foremost, mind-lifting is just my made up nonsense word. Does it really exist? 

Phonologically...maybe.

It may exist somewhere in the dictionary yet I cannot confirm the validity of its factual state because the internet connection is currently being so childish refusing the browser to play hide and seek its friends, the resource links.

Semantically...yes! 

Thanks to me, and to those who do believe this word exists.

Maybe its existence is not in your dictionary, but in our quirky mind, it does.

Only those who believes can feel the vibrant sense of this word's being.

Heavy Mind-Lifting is consequential. It is pervasive, insidious and unwanted. 

The rapid collision of thoughts that are recurrently occurring on the electric highway of neurons executes immense pressure within the accidental sparks. A flash of lightning that sting as it greets, provokes the serenity of mind.

Curious.

Signing off, 

Sharifah Syafiqah

visual thinker

Let's strive for a change!

Let's strive for a change. Now that I've thought deeper about it, a change will never happen unless you let it happen. And most importantly, a change will never happen unless you work for it. No matter what kind of attire that you're wearing, what kind of books you own, what kind of education you're having, what kind of teacher you're taking lesson with, what kind of family background you're from, what kind of socioeconomic status you're from, a change will never happen unless YOU create it. YOU are the miracle of every change that happens in your life. YOU are the power. YOU are the fuel source of every moving vehicle. And that moving vehicle leads you to success.

Motivation makes you dare to dream. Even if it's invisible, it can be felt in your bones. It makes you believe. It makes you believe in dreams and envision your success. It draws you, an endless path to success. Roads that are likely a possible walkway in your future journey. If you see it in a bigger picture, you'll see a map. A map full of plans.

I think for now, I'd like to address the motivation as a vehicle. Well, we can't see it. Simply because it's all in our minds. We make it up, or is stored somewhere in ourselves. It's somewhere in our minds, that even if sometimes we lost it, we'll find it again. Motivation is just like the dreams itself, it's invisible, but it's possible.

Determination will come along the way, when everything seems blurry. When the roads taken are bumpy. It keeps you stronger, along the way.

LET'S MAKE A CHANGE!

Truthfully,
Syafiqah

Breaking through the walls.

Dear reader,

To be honest, I am never the writer that you want me to be. I am bad at describing or explaining a situation or anything at all. It has been months that I have not written a good story (never had any) or my story but tonight I suddenly has this kind of weird feeling. It urges me to write but to be frank, I do not know what I am going to write about. I absolutely have nothing in my mind. I believe that everyone has their own experiences in life that they probably get to write up their stories into something interesting while I am here still clueless about everything. My life so far has been great. A year changes me a lot. Last year was fantastic. I met different people. I must say, they come and go like the weather, the faces change and so does the weather. But hey, here in Malaysia there are never four seasons like the other countries have.
. Malaysia has only a long 'summer' or a cold 'winter' and by that I mean sunny and rainy days. Throughout the year of 2015, I think I have discovered myself a little. I believe so. I think now I kinda know what I really want and what I really believe in. I start to get myself together after quite awhile of being such an introvert. I start to participate and really, just go out there and grab the opportunities. Grabbing opportunities doesn't mean that you try everything that comes ahead of you
but you actually grab the ones you've been looking for and you just want to give it a try. That is my definition of 'grabbing opportunities'.I also have learned that by keeping my dreams to only myself, to me, is a way of making my dreams alive. At least, there's someone out there who still sees me as who I really am and by saying someone, I mean myself.

 Below are some of the amazing memories I've made with friends! I've told you I am mingling with people. As a proof, take a look at the photos below!

     I have a confession to make. I must admit that I have felt the feeling 'dejavu' before. I had a dream one night and it happened long ago. I remembered myself sitting on something and I believe it was a bench somewhere in a room and I was really there for moment with a group of friends. I could not recall it any clearly but it happened to be like that. This month, on January 2016, my friends and I went out for a dinner and the place wasn't similar in my dream but when I just finished my meal, it suddenly hit me. It was like you're lost for a second and in some way, somehow you just felt strange that 'Hey, this situation happens before.' and like 'I was here.' and 'I'd been through this particular moment'. Somehow, the place where I was looking at, at that particular moment it resembled the corner of the room in my dream. The view was similar, but not exactly or precisely similar but yeah, it felt the same. But it's unfair to think that it's a dejavu when I assume it to be a dejavu. I do not really know what dejavu really feels like and therefore I cannot make a diagnosis about it, just to make sure that I am actually having it and that's what they call a definite finding. I'm not 'googling' the definition of dejavu. I'm just helplessly lazy right now. Also, there is nothing called as dejavu in my belief - Islam. There are only Qada and Qadar. Corret me if I'm wrong brothers and sisters.

   Being twenty and becoming twenty-one at the same time is a phase that reminds me of getting older. It's a transitional period from becoming a teenage girl to a young adult. I never feel the same way when I turn eighteen or nineteen. Seventeen, eighteen or nineteen are merely a number for me. Now, it feels so different. A feeling that I believe all grown ups have? Well, I do not know for sure. The number of one now exists after two. I just feel a little bit older now. I feel that I do have to be really independent than before. I know it's kinda weird to say this but I feel the courage and strength from deep within myself. I just can feel it in my bones. My insides are burning with fire. Hahaha I can't believe I'm saying this. All I'm saying is, now I feel like I have to protect myself and my family. I think it's called responsibility. A natural feeling that all grown ups have too, eh? Brilliant! Now, I'm an adult. I do feel the responsibility of telling my newfound friends that I'm an adult because sometimes, certain people just cannot accept the fact that there's actually a twenty-one-year-old soul trapped in a petite human body. I'm kidding.

I hope I will never forget what it feels like to be young and free.
When I was younger, I always wonder why does the adults like to be serious all the times too stern about certain things. I don't like that. I'm not saying that all adults that I've met are behaving like that but some of them are really not cool to me. Now I understand that there are people who don't have choices to make and I can't really blame them. Situations force them. I remember telling myself, or I guess explaining to myself that sometimes the adults get carried away with ageing that they forget how it feels like to enjoy the things they used to enjoy.

That's it for today. I hope you enjoy reading my stories. Like I said, I'm bad at explaining anything. Okay. I appreciate your time :) Have a good day ahead! Till then.

Love,
Carefree muggle-born.

SPEECH SCIENC UKM / End Of Semester 1

Assalamualaikum.

Peace and blessings be upon all.

   I have always wanted to write the experience that I go through in my life. Every time I decide to post something on my blog, I would hesitate myself. I fear that my uploaded photos will be misused by another person. I just have that fear for now. I hope that this entry will somehow help my juniors in the future. Inshaallah. 

   I intentionally entitled this entry with UKM KL so it is gonna be easy for the juniors to find the information regarding UKM KL aka Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur. Just to let you know, I hardly find the information needed using the search engine before entering university. I have no idea of what faculty means, anything about university or any knowledge that I have about UKM KL is certainly zero. I get confused between the place where I will have lecture and the place where I'll be staying in. So here we go. There are 3 branches of UKM. I think so. Hahaha. The main (induk) one is in Bangi, the second one is located in Kuala Lumpur and the last one is in Cheras. The place that you ( if you're coming to UKM KL ) will be staying in is Kolej Tun Syed Nasir ( KTSN ). It is like your kolej kediaman lah. Kalau dekat Bangi, banyak lagi kolej yang ada. The faculties that are placed in UKM KL are FSK ( Fakulti Sains Kesihatan ), FGG ( Dentistry ) and F oh my god, saya lupa haha but the third one is Pharmacy. I think I need to explain everything in another entry because I'm not even sure what I'm saying is true or not. Haha. Don't worry, I will post a new entry after finding some valid information inshaallah :)

   My journey has just begun. Speech-Language Pathology was everything that I ever wanted. I never expected that I would get this offer after I got my matric result. I remember there was this uncle who told me that I should change my choices in UPU list since my first-semester's CGPA in matric was only 3.08. I was insulted in front everybody who happened to be there. I felt so intimidated, embarrassed, annoyed, angry and I felt like punching him in his face without thinking the age gap we had o yeah hahaha. He had no courtesy at all or even manners. He even confirmed me that I won't get this offer. You know what I did? Believe me or not, I did nothing. I only stayed silent, holding in my anger. Well, what can I do. Maybe I was being tested by God at that moment. Who knows? Hehe. But I didn't lose hope just because he said that, ya know. Ain't letting people downgrade ya. I believe in God's plans and fate, not him. I know I was being an ass in the first semester back in my matriculation days. To be honest, I only had my last minute preparation for finals. I didn't know to where I had lost my sanity before. I was struggling, studying and while the other students were sleeping silently on their beds. Sanggup tidur-tak-tidur je malam sebelum exam. But in the second-semester, I had changed myself. I attempted to be more focus on my studies. Saya belajar betul-betul. Because that was my intention in the first place, coming to matriculation college. The intention that had been forgotten, The time that had been wasted. Second semester was my payback time. I didn't really care about that uncle's opinion as I knew that I tried my best in the second-semester. Saya tahu apa yang saya kurang, he was not in my shoes. Alhamdulillah, although in the second semester I did not achieve 4 flat but I got a dean list. So summing up the two semester's CGPA, I got around 3 something which was below 3.5. Cakaplah apapun, if it's your rezeki inshaallah you'll get it.  

   I got two interviews for SLP course from UKM and USM and alhamdulillah again I passed both of the interviews. Note : I have no other intention mentioning this. I just wanna remind you guys that nothing is impossible. Whatever happens in the past may affect your future, but when there's some ways to get to what you want, there will be hope and nothing satisfies your hope unless you work for it. Okay saya pun tak tahu saya merepek apa. What I'm trying to say is never ever give up and just continue with your effort, double it for your current obstacles. Usaha selagi jalan yang menuju ke arah kejayaan itu masih dibuka. Teruskan berusaha dengan remaining challenges. Ha, faham tak? Awh I know, I have difficulties when it comes to explaining or describing something. Just so ya know, I'm a visual thinker. Haha alasan.

   Ok. The decision making was way too hard than I thought it would be. Hhm. Yes, I was having a dilemma for quite some time. I did not know of which offer should I accept. I was, I would say I was having a hard time haha. Even though before having interviews, I craved for an education in USM, I decided to choose UKM. Saya pun tak tahu kenapa, but hati saya mahukan UKM. Really, I could feel it in my bones, eceh.

 Reason no. 1 : UKM is the pioneer for this course.

Reason no. 2 :  I just fell in love with UKM and also

the interviewers ( eh ) since hari kejadian lagi. Hehehe.

Nanti lah next entry saya cerita haha. Panjang-panjang takde orang baca pulak kan. Haha.

   At first my mother objected my decision since she thought I could not fit in there and since USM is just less than 30 kilometers far from my house. Hahaha. She had this mindset where her daughter couldn't be independent alone in Kuala Lumpur and I would miss her. I said, "No, I will not miss you. I'll be free instead." HAHAHA Actually, my mom really didn't want me to go to UKM, not because it was no good or anything but just because she was worried of me. It was hard convincing her and believe me or not aha! in the end, I win haha. At last, she understood me. I explained her about UKM and with my number 1 reason I stated just now, she agreed. Hihi. Alhamdulillah.

   I was so excited when I first arrived in here. I was ready to face everything, you name it - the orientation week, the lectures, the quizzes, the mini tests - until one day, I felt like there was a hollow in my heart. I felt empty as though I had no reason to study or to live.

   Anatomy and especially Physiology both were the 'killer' subjects for all the first-year science students. I was dying learning these subjects. I studied and studied, but the results weren't as good as I expected. There was a slight increase in my score for the quizzes but I felt like I just couldn't do it. I had done everything but I was just a stupid girl as if I had reached my limits. (Is it really possible?) I was unmotivated then. I lost my excitement to study at all that I felt like vomiting and got headache reading the books. When your heart refuses to accept what your brain wants to digest, I guess this will happen. I knew I needed to regain my zeal. I did not want to take for granted of what I had gotten at that moment (I managed to come to that level) I wanted to become an SLP someday and I gotta learn for the sake of my future clients. I wanted to help them, but I had to help myself first. Alhamdulillah, I managed to regain it. Hihi.

This is the DECTAR hall located in UKM Bangi.

 The first-year students were brought here for the

closing ceremony of our orientation week. So far,

the UKM's orientation week was the best I ever had.

I admired the way Pemudah Cara (PC)

handled us and it wasn't a nightmare to me.

So far so good! :)

Heading to mini lecture hall at
Klinik Audiologi dan Sains Pertuturan.

Here you go, I even captured Kucing KTSN :p
What can I do, this cat is so cute! Hihihi.

That one morning in KTSN.

Now, it's the first semester for the year of 2014/2015 has just ended. There are countless of happy memories that I've made in KTSN. Hohoho. I just love the scenery, the green grass and the tress. I'm a Naturaphile. It's peaceful in KTSN. It's located right just in front of Taman Tasik Titiwangsa haha :)


Just like my senior reminds me, college is where you learn everything. You need to know how to fit in, to be more matured when making decisions and to be better at time management. I learn that it is not easy to become a leader or to conduct something, but when you know what to do then you will have nothing to worry about. Another thing that I learn is sometimes it is a must for you to confess or find a way to reduce your emotional stress or else it will burden you. It is like carrying a 100kg rock on your back. I thank God for everything. I do hope that you enjoy reading my story. If you have anything to ask, just email me at syafiqahrahim@outlook.com or drop a comment below. Don't worry, I will never harm or eat you hihi. I was once a junior candidate, who was afraid of asking the seniors too hoho. Ask me in Malay pun boleh :)

xoxo

Light Writing

11:05PM
3rd Jan 2015

Love is a combination of two incomplete halves. I was once bothered with love, thinking when it is the right time that I will be loved back someday and to think how is he gonna look like. That was pretty absurd, I was just a child.

     To be honest, I couldn't express myself through beautiful written confessions and even though I had tried to learn doing it, I would still suck up. Perhaps, that wasn't just me. I did have trouble in expressing myself verbally. It's not that I had some kind of Neurogenic disorders, I just didn't know how to say it through verbal communication effectively so that the message could be clearly sent to people. But I had never thought that the falling part in life would be essential. I am now, able to acknowledge myself better. I learnt to realize that the hard way. To just hold on and waiting are things that would ache myself. It's the pain that you have never understood. Now, I learn to love myself more. More that I could have ever imagine cause the funny thing was I even regretted myself for being a petite girl. I got offended as when strangers insulted me that I'm just a kindergarten student, a school-aged girl. I won't let people messing up with my emotion again.Whatever happens, I won't care. We all have our precious lives. I have mine and all I know is, I am fabulous. I won't let myself be in a bad situation and end up leaving myself unhappy. Healing is a long process baby!

       
          I am now, happy. Feeling grateful that I finally comprehend myself. Success won't come knocking on your door, you gotta get out and quest for it. I want to travel across the globe and to see God's creations before my own eyes. I like books and handmade crafts. I like to sing, to dance, to act, to be healthy and fit, and to do everything I love. I won't go for temporary love, that is just not meant for me. Even if I 'have to' accidentally fall in love with someone, I try to vanish it as soon as in a blink of an eye. Well, maybe not. It is sure gonna be a sweet memory, but I just wish that I will not drawn too much into temporary love, like crush. Or it will crush me into pieces. Hahaha. I'll just wait for my future husband and that is one true love! Hihi. I like meeting new people, but I do get nervous every time I am about to experience my first meeting.Hey, I can't easily presume that they will like me for the first time. I want to meet nice people and I know this may sound like an excuse but believe me, I've been trying to behave myself, to just be myself, the real me. Changing doesn't mean you gotta be new, you just be yourself except that you improve yourself and becoming a better person. 

I am currently studying to achieve one of my dreams. Dreams are not unrealistic, dreams are realistic. You just gotta hold on to it. Believing and having determination burning inside yourself are what makes it comes true ( with God's will ) Sometimes I do feel like giving up, but to think that I have come to this far, I shouldn't let this opportunity flies away. I've been dreaming for this golden chance that to me a little too ambitious before, but hey, I have made it. To dream more, will never make you greedy. I believe that God loves His humble creations to seek success whether in Dunya and Akhira. I like to feel motivated all the time. Even if someone unintentionally ruins my day, I have to enlighten my day back. Chin up, and find my strength back. It has been a while now. Hoping that with my unfailing faith, I will achieve my dreams someday! YEAYYYYY
Hewhew

\

Lots of love,

Syafiqah