I have come to realise that speaking objectively is so far my worst skill if compared to my others. Looking back, 23 years of living and breathing in this body, I had a hard time when it was about explaining to people. I was, and am, bad at telling stories of my own historical background especially when it comes to a topic of 'being in a deep ocean of distress'. I could not really guess that back then (when I was in the midst of stressful moments) but now the seemingly incomplete puzzle set has found its missing pieces. I can tell that I am no good at telling stories, explaining personal matters (whenever I have to) and honestly, I got easily panicked whenever I was forced to. These symptoms went unnoticed until a few months back, when Allah swt tested me with something huge - from then onward, I began to slowly learn about myself. I started to do things consciously and made notice of every inch of details in my every day commitments. I stayed away from any triggers that could be fallen me and led me into a thick black cave of confusions. I could not really tell what was going on, but I knew something was up. So, I had to learn to find my way back to 'light' every time I got fished into this sorrowful cave.
Time heals.
Yes, it does but some things never change. I cannot expect that by the time I am older, I get wiser. Sometimes I make mistakes, by accident, not that I am not being careful but I am far beyond perfect and when things get very overwhelming I can easily stumble down. However, despite this negative view on not being able to keep on getting better, I know by right, the least that I can do to clear my mind off it, and soothe myself, is to just double up the effort to keep on getting better and better and better.
I have to admit that I do feel like a complete loser at times. Feeling that way is never in my favourite-things-to-do list. It is not what I look forward to. Some friends tell me that I'm a bit dramatic, and I act more like a drama queen - well, they awarded me for reasons didn't they.
requirements? easy:-
my mood changes instantly
i am happy and excited for a second, and in the next second everything seems all gloomy
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those four minus symbols aren't just some meaningless symbols. they actually represent some characters but for now, i'd like to keep them secrets. maybe later, this world will finally find its way to unravel the truths lol. haha. yes, i can be quite daunting due to my instant mood changes but that just showed how I tried so hard to cope with my current environments. sometimes it was hard to swallow a thorn, but you had to anyway. so you cried as your guts telling you, you hated this thing and questioned you yourself why would you ever swallow this thing, and when you swallowed it down to your stomach, it hurt every inch of wall of pathway and that made you suffered twice and you just couldn't help but grieve and screamed out of the blue. and when the thorn was in your stomach, it still hurt but you didn't want it to steal away your happiness and you decided to smile and smile wishing that your fake smile would influence your inner body to uplift its positive energy as per say in one the motivational speakers' youtube videos. but when the energy wasn't transitioning to your preferred 'energy' you became panicked, and and and...anxiety came to rescue - it said hi and brought you to higher place, where almost no oxygen could store a space for you, for you to breathe, anxiety taught you and your heartbeats to dance on the thin air, which was supposed to be a provider for the calming atmosphere and yet there you were befriending anxiety, dancing and beating down the invisible pavement like a disco ball. you just danced, up and down, swayed, and twirled around, believing it would all get better until one moment, you could not catch your breathe, you could not catch even a single oxygen molecule - you're suffocated. 'breathe-less'.. and there you went again, anxiety came to rescue, brought you up to higher space, another level of profoundly beautiful with views and another place to start dancing again, to more escapes, to more happy escapes, to more exhausting escapes, to more sufferings and never-endings.
anxiety is just like running with no finish line. anxiety is an escape - a strange escape, never a solution. never.
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